it's okay, to not be okay.

10.13.18 4:40pm

it’s been one month since i’ve turned 31. i don’t like odd numbers, but for some reason i like the idea of being 31. maybe it’s because at 30 i was just finally 30 (i was the one in a million people excited to turn 30), but being 31 i’ll feel IN my thirties? i think about these things. weird? maybe, idk. idc.

this past week has been hellish for me. i missed work the last 5 days. i could feel something was completely off sunday, but i kept brushing it off. i’m okay, everything is okay.

but everything wasn’t & isn’t okay. i’m not okay. 

monday morning, while getting ready for work, i was more anxious than usual - which if you know me is quite a lot because i’m a naturally anxious person as is. but i kept feeling lightheaded & so at one point i sat down & put my head between my legs. i tried to get back up & finish my hair, but i knew it was coming. 

by the time i walked to my side of our bed, everything was going black. 

that was just the beginning. i called off work (i don’t chance driving after i’ve had a blackout episode) and slept for a good portion of the day. one of my very best friends was getting married that evening (yes, on a monday.) so i pulled myself together as much as possible. their ceremony was beautiful & we left shortly after eating. i had long looked forward to drinking wine, dancing & celebrating my friend in her new chapter, but the best i could do was drink some iced tea, tell her what a stunning bride she is & go home to rest some more.

tuesday i had an orthodontist appointment, and thankfully my lady doctor was able to get me in right after that to see me. 

we spoke about my anxiety & depression at length. she prescribed me two meds. so now that’s what i’m on a new path with.

after that appointment i went to interact - a center for sexual assault survivors here in raleigh. this was my second visit - my first was the day after the ford/kavanaugh hearing. i have to go at minimum three times before i can join the next group therapy session that starts in january. this will be no issue, as my triggers from my ptsd have been so heightened in the past month. i would give almost anything to see my therapist from back in indianapolis. i know i can still contact her, but not having face to face is just not the same. i need someone to see my facial expressions and to sit there with me. i am glad that interact is available - i’ve heard good things about them & they have proved so far to be what i’ve heard - a safe place, a place where i can fall apart + talk about all my broken pieces.

this day was so long. i rested once i got home.

wednesday i slept until 2:30pm & then laid there until i went back to sleep that night. 

thursday, i went to cary to handle something with my work & hr department regarding intermittent time off for the next 12 weeks as i take care of my mental health. 

i also made my bed thursday, that was a win for me.

yesterday (friday) i made my bed, hung up some clothes & showered. big day. then i laid in my bed watching tv & playing candy crush. i don’t do well having idle hands. 

i’ve lost 5 pounds, which is a really big deal to me, especially after weighing the most (outside of being pregnant) i’ve ever weighed as an adult. i’m trying not to stress about it, but it’s there in my mind. 

yesterday marked one year “officially” with my boyfriend, and what would have been an evening filled with something cute planned, was an evening filled with me laying here. 

there are so many things i “should” be doing or worried about, but i physically can’t right now.

depression + anxiety don’t give two shits about what i ought to be doing & what i want to be doing. depression + anxiety have consumed my life this week. 

today i put on some mascara & did my hair (kinda). i said to myself “i look human, instead of like a sasquatch.” but being real - when i was putting on my mascara i put the wand down & looked at myself. i looked different. i don’t know how or why, it was weird. but maybe it just is. 

i have barely spoken to anyone this week & i miss it, but don’t miss it. i want to be alone, but not left alone. depression really does some odd things to one’s mind & body. it has for the time being stolen my bubbly personality & replaced it with a silent woman who needs some solitude + grace, some rest + forgiveness.

i’ve wrestled with depression + anxiety off & on for 12 years now. i’ve witnessed what it can do to me, like poison is racing through my veins.

but i’ve also witnessed myself rising again. i will take my medications how & when i need to. i will continue seeing my doctor & my case manager. i will continue writing in my new journal i started this week. i will be okay, just not today.

in my journal, i’ve been writing how i feel each day & what today has brought with it.

today i feel, a little better than i did yesterday although still tired. i also feel hopeful, for when i get my other self back. until then, i’ll be gentle + patient with who i am now.

xoxo, L.A.