happy 12

11.21.18 7:22pm

....i’ve been debating for days, weeks really (maybe even months) rather or not i’d want to write today, whether or not i’d actually even physically be able to.

being a birthmom can often be an odd place to be in life. 

just a few days ago i was trying to explain to someone how i’m grieving, but they didn’t get it. at all. they said “but she’s happy & healthy!”. they are right, she is very happy & very healthy.

but that doesn’t wash away the grief from a birthmomma’s heart & soul. and what a weird grief cycle we have. 

usually when a person is grieving, it’s because someone has died, the funeral has come, their body has been laid or spread to rest.

but not here, not this life.

my daughter is very much alive & i am very much grateful for that. 

i am also very much hurt that i am not her parent & often feel i lose my placement of where i fit in. 

i once read another birthmom write that adoption from the birthparent is a dichotomy - “a division or contrast between two things that are or are represented as being opposed or entirely differently.” that hit me right in my chest, right into my very core of who i am & what it’s been like going through adoption on my side.

i experience joy & pain, grief & happiness, feeling empty while never being more full. it is all of things, all of the time. 

some days, some months, some years are better or easier than others. it is a winding road that i assume never ends. a winding road that sometimes passes places i wish i could never leave & then some places where it feels like i’ve got a flat tire in the middle of the night on the creepiest stretch of road where i don’t feel safe at all.

being a birthmom for me has been every bit of torture as it has been joyous. any ounce (more like gallons & gallons) of pain i’ve experienced since relinquishing my rights as a parent to the most wonderful daughter in the world is something i would NEVER trade to re-do our life.

since being a young age i always imagined motherhood as the time in my life where i would have to be COMPLETELY & WHOLLY second to the human i’ve created. and i still stand by that. 

today i have been trying as hard as possible to push down all of my feelings. i woke up early this morning feeling a tidal wave & tried to go back to sleep asap because i refused to cry. 

last year i made 21 social media posts about our adoption & i always think back to one i wrote shortly after midnight. i was in the livingroom because i didn’t want to wake my partner with my sobbing. i could hardly breathe. i was beyond distraught & it had been quite some time since i was so succumbed by the pain that can come with being a birthmom. but i found some relief, some healing in writing about it in the very moment. 

i am not sure if i’d ever call myself an adoption advocate, as that seems so much bigger than what i can possibly hold as my own adoption is already heavy. but i can say with certainty that being a birthmom has changed my outlook on so many beautiful things in this life & my gratitude is endless. 

when i think about my daughter i often think about her as an infant because i was blessed enough to parent her for 10 months before she was adopted. those moments i could never take for granted & i hope these moments never fade in my memory. the smell of her. her curls. the way she rolled on the floor. the way she loved watching the lion king & anastasia. the way she fell asleep no matter where she was & even if she was sitting up. the way we would spend every single morning in my bed for at least an hour giggling & “talking” to each other before her morning bottle. the way she made the funniest faces while i cleaned her ears after bathtime. the clothes i so carefully & specifically picked out for her before her arrival. she was the last baby born before my grandpa & my great-grandma died. she was born on my grandpa’s livingroom floor. everything. everything about her is LOVE. she is all i could’ve ever hoped for in a daughter & so much more.

i hope this 12th birthday of hers has been everything she’s hoped it to be & i look forward to celebrating her every year. she is the sweetest, most beautiful human i know. 

happy happy birthday my beautiful girl.

i love you to infinity & beyond.