8.27.18 - 8:16pm
[spoiler alert ahead - if you watch "the bold type".]
hey there. I'm lyz, author + owner of this website.
originally i thought my first blog for my new website would be somewhat light & a little fun, but that's just not going to be the case.
you see, i'm the type of woman when something grabs me, i hold on tight & go where it leads. that's exactly what has happened tonight, as i was eating pizza on my bed while watching one of my newest favorite tv shows, "the bold type". this show completely draws me in every single episode without fail. the range of topics the bold type covers is what i'm usually discussing (or want to be discussing) in my everyday life, so when i say it's so easy to suck me in to the show, i'm not kidding.
the last episode of the bold type i watched tonight was titled "the domino effect" - hence the title of this blog piece. this episode was a follow-up to another episode that had to do with an article jane (one of the 3 main women characters) wrote titled, "carrying the weight". her beautifully written article was about this woman who was standing in the park holding weights, because she had been sexually assaulted. she wanted other women to know that she would help carry their weight of their sexual assaults, and that they were not alone. the story then led jane to writing about her current boss, jacqueline's, past sexual assault. jacqueline was assaulted by her boss years earlier where she used to work. she never reported it, or discussed it, until she shared her story with jane.
in the episode i watched tonight, jane was supposed to write a follow-up article, so she started interviewing more women who wanted to speak out because jacqueline had and now they felt safe to do the same.
jane goes to meet with a woman who tells her she was assaulted by the same man jacqueline had been assaulted by, and she too, never reported it. she said she knew her assault was not jacqueline's fault, but wondered how things might have been different had jacqueline reported the man years earlier. in the end, jacqueline reached out to the other woman & they made a plan so women have a safe space to speak out against their traumas.
this episode (like most of them), had me in tears. i am a sexual assault survivor, and know other women who are as well - so this hits as close to home as possible for me. over the last several years i have gone to surviving, to thriving, to advocate. i try to be open about my life's trauma surrounding sexual assault, because i know so many of us women have a hard time doing so. i want to be a voice who says THIS IS NOT OKAY, and someone who lets other women know they are not alone. just in the last 24 hours i've been thinking about the last time i was raped and how it’s changed my life. it still makes me angry, i still cry.. i don’t think those feelings will ever go away. i do believe watching tonight's episode, as heavy as it was to my heart, was a cleanse for me and how i process my grief surrounding my rape trauma. it is beyond unfortunate that i am not alone in this, yet somehow beautiful to see so many woman warriors survive and start to breathe again.
next month, in 11 days to be exact, will be the last time i was raped (& drugged). it does NOT feel like 5 years have gone by, which is kind of weird, because in the beginning days felt like they'd never end. whenever i think about the process of how i survived after being raped, until where i am now, i am in awe of myself. i fought like pure hell just to breathe so many days after it happened to me. swallowing vodka was as easy as drinking water back then. crying became so tiring that most of the time i would just drink myself to sleep. my body ached from the inside out with grief, confusion, heartache, fear.. all of these things hit me in ways i never would have thought i'd be able to type about in my lifetime. just typing that last line makes me cry, because why do these things happen to us? what gives a man the right to my body, and the spirit i was before he stole my old self identity from me?! i am angry. i am so sad. i wish I could forget about it, but it won’t let me. the scene, the touch, it creeps onto my skin still to this day like a cobweb.. i try to wipe it off, but it sticks to me. i feel disgusted in this very moment.
rape trauma and rape culture are a horrible part of our society. we need to do better, for survivors. we need to love them HARD, never back down from loving them. i know that without the people who so graciously held me tight when i was not easy to love at all.. i wouldn’t be here today. and my therapist truly saved my life, she will always be someone that i have so much gratitude toward. i am sure counselors who help victims of violence know they are helping, but i hope they also can grasp the magnitude of how they are literally someone's next breath.
it feels weird now, because i don’t have some perfect ending to this, but yet.. that in itself is perfect, considering.